Clumsy Melody

I want to believe

That there is a

Moreness

To everything that is

My world.

That there are more colors

And sunlight

And magical sparkles

In the air around

That I can breathe in and

Fill my lungs with

Moreness.

Paint one eye blue

And one eye rose

Fill my sight with

The innocence and optimism

That is lacking.

Take my fingers and

Bend them until they break

With the ability to create

Music and words and paint

And fill the world with

Moreness.

I want my world to be filled

With moreness,

Making nonsensical thoughts

Into a definite reality,

Fill me with the

Substance

That is so sorely lacking.

I started taking this class and the first unit is all about grammar.  English grammar.  Sweet holy mother of all that is awful, English grammar is rough.

Took a break, had a convo with my sister.  Couldn’t think of the words ‘Humane Society’, so said “Homeless shelter for animals”.

My brain is being ripped apart right now.  Or maybe I’m just getting rid of all the useless information.  Cause my brain is “my hard drive, and it only makes sense to put things in there that are useful”.

Sherlock quotes will always be useful.

And now I’m off to exercise.  It seems only fair that if I am going through mental torture from learning, then I should also be going through physical torture, like exercise.

It was strange, knowing how to do little things like flossing and cooking, but forgot important things like people and places.  She forgot how to be herself.  But, the best (or maybe the worst) part of it was that it felt good.  As if she had been wishing for this, a clean slate, a fresh start, a new beginning that only forgetting could give her. It felt as if a great weight had been lifted off of her, leaving a sensation of relief that stemmed from the center of her heart.  Sometimes she lay in bed and wondered at the emptiness inside her, and she would try to remember.  But these efforts faded into the darkness around her as she slowly succumbed to sleep.

Then, one day on a busy, crowded street, she made eye contact with a boy.  A boy whose dark eyes lit up with recognition at the sight of her, a wide smile on his lips as he lifted a hand to wave at her.  She smiled in return, remembering suddenly that his smile had always been contagious.  And that’s when she remembered everything.  Remembered the flutter of butterflies that exploded in her stomach at the sight of him, with his dark curls and sharp cheekbones.  Remembered how, no matter how hard she tried, everything was against her getting closer to him.  Remembered how she pined and ached and died on the inside, forcing herself to be strong and brave on the outside.  She remembered and remembered and remembered.

The emptiness in her heart was gone, the weight of her unrequited love for him weighing her down with sorrow.  He was back where he belonged, in the center of her heart.  And while it felt right to have him there, she felt wrong, twisted with loneliness and heartache.  He faded away into the crowd of people, but still she could see him, bright and shining in her mind’s eye.  She closed her eyes, an attempt to erase the never-fading image of him, whispered his name like a prayer, and began to walk, once again on the heartbreaking path that would lead her to him.  Hoping without hope that she would reach her destination, praying without faith that she could just forget.

I want to fly away from here

(The sky is a cold, lonely place)

Leave, forget everything I know

(Joys and sorrows that make you real)

Wander the world like a proper beast

(A lost soul without a home, without a heart)

Search for the missing piece of me

(A myth, a legend, shimmery like mist)

Find someone to fill the spaces within

(Spaces you create in your boredom)

Make me feel whole and happy

(You are discontented with everything)

I want to leave this place

(A home that will always call you back)

And never return again

(A thing you would always regret)

Just fade away into the sky

(Forget these impossible dreams)

Let the blue embrace me forever

(Rest your mind, find peace here)

Because there has to be more

(Leave the dreams for the night)

Or else there is nothing

(Nothing but serenity)

Please, let me

(Stay).

I would eat

A thousand pomegranate seeds

To damn myself

To a world of darkness

In order to stay

By your side.

Leave behind the sun

And flowers and leaves and life,

Sink below the soil,

Let the earth consume me and hold me

Within its bowels

For eternity.

A willing Persephone

Eager for the arms of her

Hades,

Love turning the dark depths

Into a paradise.

Twisted mutilation

Growing legs to fit in

To the world that

He

Belonged to,

A puzzle piece from another puzzle

Entirely, forcing itself to

Fit.

Learning that legs are like

Needles

Knives

Shards of glass,

Shiny and bright and glistening

But able to bring

Pain

To one that does not know

How to use them.

She moved, dancing gracefully

To see him dazzle

At the sight of her

While her mind filled with

Painpainpainpainpainpainpain

Bright and painful and glistening.

In the end, he began to

Dazzle

At the sight of another

Forgetting her completely.

And the painpainpainpainpainpain

Was in her heart.

She was tired, so tired,

Choosing to forget him completely,

Filled with only

Painpainpainpainpainpainpainpain

From her legs and her heart,

Dipping them into the sea that

She once knew,

Until there was nothing,

Her fading heartbeat disappearing

Into the sound of the ocean.

She turned to sea foam

Dashed to the shore

Churning, turning, crashing

Filled with all the

Distress

Consistency

Weathered peace

Of the sea.

She had everything, once.  Because her future was hers and the possibilities were endless, youth and vitality her constant companions.  But then, everything changed. She was cursed, cursed by the magic of books and the sprinkled dust of glitter and glamour of movies.  It changed her, took her future and the possibilities away from her, making love her only hope.  If someone loved her just as much as she loved them, then the curse would break, and she would share the future and the possibilities with the one she loved.  So she longed for love just as much as she feared it, and it made her hairy with uncertainty, wanting everything but afraid of the cost.  

She looked in the mirror and no longer saw herself.  She only saw a beast, a creature that no one could or would ever love.  In comparison to the vibrant characters in her books and movies, she was lacking, dull as dirt.  So she hid from the world, hunkered behind callous words and an indifferent attitude, turning herself into a monster to scare others away.  Every once in a while, some recognized her behavior as a mask, and called out to her to let her hair down.  But those were the wrong words, another tale entirely, and she ignored them.  Because, though she was lacking, she wanted the stars.  Wanted the glitz and magic that her lonely life of books was filled with.  And she remained far off from the people around her, lost in the clouds, trapped in a prison of her own making.  She fed the curse, let it grow strong as it twisted itself around her heart, a rose of hope that bloomed and shone like gold.

But, one day, she grew bored with the movies, easily guessing the plot, seeing the red string that tied the characters together.  And she could not bring herself to read the tales of love and life, the stabbing in her heart similar to the prick of a thorn.  She laid down, listless and aching, and felt the dry but gentle lips of Death place a kiss upon her forehead.  Felt the rose of hope wither and die within her heart.  She rolled over, once, turned her face to the window, and found Beauty.  Found beauty in the world around her, the world that she had once shunned.  And the beauty that she saw outside was reflected upon her, and she was transformed back into the being she once was.  

She felt the curse shatter around her, saw the bright future and the endless possibilities open up before her once again.  And though she did not have love, she saw it’s path, saw the red string that would lead her to her beginning.  But she chose another path, and began her wander through life, content with the fact that eventually the end of that red string would cross her path.

She had a dream that seemed familiar, as if she had dreamed it before.  It was by the ocean shore, rocky and cold, with pathways and old, abandoned buildings lined up along the calm seaside.  She wandered the paths, walked along the rocks, not knowing what she was waiting for but sensing that it was important.  And then he appeared, rising from the sea, a man she once knew but had long ago forgotten.  She knew his title but not his name, and only after some time of timidity did she remember, caressing his name with a whisper from her lips.

He came to her before in her dreams, rising from the sea.  In that first dream, he gave her an eternity with him, the lifetime that they were meant to have, and it passed by in the blink of an eye.  But she awoke and forgot, the fog of her dreams whisked away by the heat of the day.

She was his and he was hers, but she belonged to the earth and he belonged to the sea.  Separated by time and space, brought together only in dreams.  Most times she forgets, and he must entice the memory back into her mind, pain clinging to him like seawater at the wariness and doubt in her eyes when she looks at him.

But not this time.  This time, she awoke from her dreams, dreams filled with a night spent with him and memories of the eternity that he had given her.  No longer does she feel alone or hurt or fearful of the future, wondering about love.  She shall wander on the shores of her dreams, dip her toes lazily into the icy sea, and wait for him to return.  Because she is his and he is hers, and not even time and space can take that away from them.